Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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