ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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