I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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