All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
