My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
