I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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