Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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