I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
