I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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