did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
