she woke up with a sticky ear
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
