you're like a bully in the Christmas story
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
