Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
