there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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