Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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