What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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