Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
