The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
