This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
