I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
