Need sex. Gaining weight.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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