Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Randomize
