i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
