Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
We need to rekindle our bromance
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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