and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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