I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i was born a porn star she said
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
