I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
