i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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