meet me or not, i'm out of control
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
