Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
