I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
