he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
