It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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