dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
