you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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