Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
As shirtless as possible
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
In other news, I just burned my penis
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
