I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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