Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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