He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm gonna have a badass scar
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
