I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
