So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
