Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
