At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
