I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
