i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
