I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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