He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
