he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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