nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
