a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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