you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
