I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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