i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
